


"9-Ball Dreams' [Lemon MSTing]

by MSTerMegane67



Category: Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon | Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon, Mystery Science Theater 3000
Genre: F/F, F/M, MST, MST3k-Style Riffing, MSTing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-07
Updated: 2017-04-07
Packaged: 2018-10-15 23:00:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 16,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10559140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MSTerMegane67/pseuds/MSTerMegane67
Summary: What do you get when you put Tom Cruise in a Sailor Moon lemon with Ami "Andersen"? You get a lemony remake of the 'Color of Money' that has Ami falling head over heels in love with the game of pool and Cruise, reprising his role as Vincent, giving her a pool lesson that leads to them using the pool table in more ways than one. Lita also co-stars as the neglected girlfriend of the mysterious Ken, who seems to have a lot of skeletons in his closet. Also, of note, is a small but enjoyable lemon scene between Aino Mina and Tsukino Usagi, an extended cameo with Paul Newman, and in a 'blink and you'll miss him' moment, the late Jackie Gleason.





	1. Chapter 1

*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS*  
(And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain)

 

(The future isn't what it used to be...)

 

"MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7" (SEASON THREE)

EPISODE 26: 9-BALL DREAMS PT. 1

(A Sailor Moon Lemon Crossover MSTing)

MSTed From the Desk of Megane 6.7 (megane67@rogers.com)

This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.  
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment  
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or  
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be  
inferred.

Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc. are  
the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc. Just covering  
my own ass here folks...

"Sailor Moon" is the property of Naoko Takeuchi and all the  
distributors of her work.

"9-Ball Dreams" is the property of Mr_Jazz. He has given me permission  
to MST his work and I greatly appreciate it. :)

(Note: The original unMSTed version of "9-Ball Dreams" can be found  
at "A Sailor Moon Romance". See link at the end of the MSTing.)

Warning: This fic contains mature content and sexual content. If you are  
offended by such material or are too young to legally view it, please avoid  
it or delete it from your hard drive if you've already downloaded it.  
Otherwise, enjoy! 

* * *

THE HOLOCABANA

"Last time on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire...'"

Joel Robinson was cool, calm and collected as the spotlights  
rotated in readiness for the next question. He was doing especially well,  
having kept all three of his lifelines and ascended to the next to last  
question. Provided that the pressure didn't get to him, Joel would  
soon be a very rich man...

Regis Philbin took a moment to oil up his tie before proceeding  
to the next question. "All right, Joel, this question is worth five hundred  
thousand dollars! Here we go!" 

Suspenseful Gregorian chanting filled the air as Regis read the  
question from his viewscreen.

('In the movie "Spaceballs", what is written on the bumper sticker of  
Spaceball One?')

A: WE LUV URANUS B: MAY THE SCHWARTZ BE WITH YOU  
C: WE BRAKE FOR NOBODY D: IN TOD WE TRUST

Joel smiled, a look of nostalgia washing over his face, as he  
replied. "Well, Regis, my father and I used to spend hours together  
watching..."

"Hey, Joel? How's about you shut your big fat trap and  
answer the question already!" Regis interrupted with an annoyed  
look on his face.

"Geez, you wanted in surgery or something?" Joel retorted.

"Nobody cares about your life story. Just answer the frigging  
question!" Regis growled.

"Okay, okay. My answer is C. Geez..." Joel grumbled.

"Is that your final answer?" Regis asked.

"Ask me again and I'll tell you the same," Joel replied calmly.

Regis glanced down at his fingernails for a few moments, then  
looked up at the ceiling, studying it for a minute or so, humming quietly  
to himself, before glancing in Joel's direction. 

"You're sure now?"

"Very sure," Joel replied.

Regis raised an eyebrow at him. "Undoubtedly and  
Unequivocally?"

"Both those and then some." Joel nodded.

"Well, Joel, you're absolutely... right! You've won five hundred  
thousand dollars, Joel, and you've still got all three of your lifelines! Are  
you ready to go for the million?

"You bet, Regis!" Joel exclaimed. 

The music flared dramatically as the lights once again rotated  
downwards. A moment later, there was the sound of sparks and one of  
the lamps abruptly fell to the studio floor with a loud crash. 

Regis was utterly unruffled as he remarked. "Hey, that was  
bound to happen, someday... Let's get right to it, Joel! This is for all the  
marbles! Here we go!

('What was the first movie to ever have Al Pacino and Robert DeNero  
appear on-screen at the same time?')

A: GODFATHER: PART II B: HEAT  
C: FRANKIE AND JOHNNY D: CARLITO'S WAY

Joel looked thoughtful for a moment. "Well, I can eliminate  
two choices right off the bat... but I'm not 100% sure which of the  
remaining two is right. So I'm going to use the 50/50 lifeline..."

"Okay, please have the computer remove two of the choices," Regis  
requested as choices A and C disappeared from the board. 

"Oh yeah, I definitely know what the answer is now!" Joel  
exclaimed.

"Very well, what's your answer?" Regis asked.

"Not so fast, Regis. After all, I've still got two lifelines left.  
Might as well use them, right?" 

"Uh, well, if you don't really need to..." Regis said,  
concerned.

"Let's see... I think I'll phone my friend, Tony." Joel said as  
the sound of a phone ringing could be heard. A few moments later, the  
other line picked up.

"Tony's Pizza! Can I have you telephone number please?" a  
voice rang out from the speakers.

"Hey Tony! I'll have my usual order! And send the bill to  
Regis Philbin! He's good for it!"

"Pizza?!?" A stunned Regis exclaimed. "Now, wait just a...!"

"Hey, what I can say? Answering trivia questions on national  
television makes me hungry!" Joel exclaimed as the phone line went  
dead.

"Well... all right, I guess if I can show my lizard feet on  
national television, I can let you order pizza," Regis joked while the  
studio audience laughed.

"Great! Now I want to use my last lifeline and ask the  
audience!" Joel said.

"Okay then... Audience, which one of the two remaining  
choices do you think is the right answer? Vote now!"

There was a long pause, the floor lights blinking in sequence as  
the audience gave their answers. "All right, let's see how the audience  
voted!

B: HEAT 49%  
D: CARLITO'S WAY 51%

"Wow! That's pretty darn close!" Regis marveled, a slightly  
smug look on his face. "Are you sure you know the right answer, now?"

"Huh? Joel looked up from a pocket novel he was reading.  
"Of course, I'm not worried. I know exactly what the answer is."

"Well, let's hear it then, Joel." Regis asked.

"No problem. The correct answer is... say, Regis, what's  
your thoughts about Kathy Lee retiring so abruptly?"

"Uh, heheh, that's very funny, Joel. Now, your answer,  
please?" Regis insisted.

"Oh, sorry about that. Anyway, my answer is... did you catch  
last week's episode of Greed? Wow, talk about an awesome show!"

"Joel! Your answer!" Regis snapped.

"Hold your horses, I'm getting to it! Without a doubt, the first  
film that ever had Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro together on the same  
screen was... oops, my shoelaces are untied!" Joel bent down to tie his  
shoes...

"ARRRRRRRRRGGGHHH!!! WILL YOU JUST ANSWER  
THE GOL-DARNED, DAB-NATTED, GOLLY-GEE-WHIZ BANGED  
ANSWER?!?" Regis screamed in pure frustration.

"D." 

"What?!?" Regis gasped, out of breath.

"D. My answer is D." Joel replied calmly.

"Oh, thank god!" Regis collapsed into his chair, sighing with  
relief. "Is that your final answer?"

"Well, now that you mention it..." Joel began, only to be  
interrupted by the voice of Gypsy crackling over the P.A. System.  
"Um, Joel, sorry to interrupt, but Hawkeye and B.J are calling..."

"On my way!" Joel called out as he turned his attention  
back to the fuming Regis. "Well, it's been fun, but I've got to be  
going..."

"Wait! You still haven't told me if D is your final answer!"  
Regis gasped.

"Well, D is my answer. But B would be my final answer,"  
Joel replied with a innocent smile.

"J-Judges..." Regis spat, nearly choking on his own fury  
as confetti began falling from the ceiling while the music trumpeted  
Joel's victory. 

"Well, you're right, Joel! You win the million dollars!  
Congratulations! Now G-GET OFF MY SHOW!!!" Regis sobbed,  
almost in tears as he tore at his hair in frustration, only to have the  
wig come loose in his hands.

"Okay, I guess I've tortured you enough. No hard feelings?"  
Joel asked as he extended his hand to Regis.

"Well... okay." Regis sniffled as he accepted Joel's handshake.  
"At least you're not as sadistic as Crow or Tom. You wouldn't BELIEVE  
the sadistic things they put me through..." he added sadly while  
attempting to fix his crumpled hairpiece.

"I'll tell them to take it easy on you next time!" Joel called out  
as he walked out of the Holocabana, the doors sliding shut behind him.

* * *

SATELLITE OF LOVE

Joel walked up to the bridge to find Tom and Crow waiting for  
him. The image of Dr. Forrester filled the viewscreen as he scowled in  
their general direction. 

"It's about time you got here, Jayce! Time for you and your  
Wheel Warriors to make with this weeks invention exchange!" 

"Okay, sir, just give me a second to set it up..." Joel replied  
as he walked over to the counter.

"Make it snappy! Frank's got a soufflé in the oven and I've  
still got to sauté the cherries jubilee..."

"Sounds extravagant. Expecting company?" Tom asked.

"Just buttering up some higher uppers from Evilos. I figure by  
the time they're done with the mixed cocktails, we'll have our grant!" Dr.  
Forrester chuckled gleefully. "So, what have you got for us today, Joey?"  
Joel gestured at a computer sitting on the counter. "Well, sir,  
you remember way back when I invented 'Pretty Spammy?' It was a  
program that replicates any spam e-mail sent to it a thousand times and  
sends them all back to the sender?"

"Yes, yes, what about it?" Dr. Forrester snapped, impatient.

"Well, I've invented something similar for Hotmail.com users  
that teach the spammer a lesson but also lets them know that there are no  
hard feelings. I call it 'Hugmail.com' Now, every time someone sends  
a spam e-mail to my Hotmail accounts, I just send them a nice snuggly  
huggly! Give it a try!

* * *

DEEP 13

Dr. Forrester look puzzled as he walked over to his computer  
and forwarded a spam e-mail he had received a few minutes ago to Joel's  
hotmail account. A few moments later, two furry arms suddenly reached  
out of the monitor and grabbed Dr. Forrester in a fierce bearhug. "ACK!  
W-WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!? JOEL, STOP THIS CRAZY  
THING!!!" Dr. Forrester screeched as he was yanked against the monitor  
by the arms in a friendly, enthusiastic hug. 

A loud guffaw burst from Crow as he lost it, Tom following a  
moment later. Even Joel couldn't stop himself from chuckling as Dr.  
Forrester tried desperately to free himself, glaring daggers at the  
viewscreen. 

"You'll pay for this, Joel! You and your little bots, too!" Dr.  
Forrester gasped as he finally managed to slip out from underneath the  
hug and quickly scooted out of range before the arms could grab him  
again.

"What's all the racket back there?!?" TV's Frank angrily yelled  
as he walked in, dressed in a chef's hat, apron and oven mitts. "My  
soufflé fell! It's completely ruined now! Oh well, I guess I'll have to  
substitute muffins instead..."

"Muffins?!? Are you out of your mind?!?" Dr. Forrester was  
beside himself with panic.

"Hey!" Frank replied indignantly. "Have you seen the *Muffin  
Man* at work?" 

Dr. Forrester groaned while rubbing his temples. "Frank, you  
always pick the worst..." he began, only to be interrupted by the sound  
of a doorbell. "Oh, that must be the waiter I hired for the evening.  
Come in, the door's open!"

The haunting yet familiar sound of repetitive clarinet music  
swept into the room as the door slowly opened to reveal a strange  
looking man with enormous knees, dressed in a powder blue polyester  
tuxedo. "I aM tOrGo. I tAKe CArE oF ThE dRInkS wHiLe tHe  
mAStEr iS aWAy..." he warbled.

"Hey, Torgo! Long time no see! How'd the Blair Witch  
Sequel thing work out?" Frank cheerfully inquired. 

"Oh my god, don't tell me YOU'RE the only one the agency  
could spare!?!" Dr. Forrester exclaimed in disbelief.

"wHy NoT? I aM a GradUaTe oF DeVry wITh mULtIpLE  
deGReEs iN..."

"N-Never mind! Just get the Tupperware and start setting the  
table! Frank, send those clods from space the fanfic while I take care of  
the jubilee!" Dr. Forrester sprinted towards the kitchen while Frank  
strolled over to the file cabinet and picked out a fanfic.

"Hokay, let's see, your experiment this week is..." Frank  
glanced at the title page. "...'9-Ball Dreams' by Mr_Jazz. Hey, I  
think you've had him before..." Frank remarked as he fed the fanfic  
into the machine. "It's a Sailor Moon Lemon and it stars Ami, Tom  
Cruise and Paul Newman!"

"WHAT?!?" Joel and the bots exclaimed in disbelief. 

"Yep, that's what I said, a Sailor Moon lemon! Haven't had  
one of those in a while, eh? Oh, and can I ask you guys a favor?  
Could you try to look a little more discouraged than usual when you  
leave the theater today? It'll make us look good for Evilos! ABCeeing  
ya!" Frank winked as the viewscreen cut out. 

* * *

SATELLITE OF LOVE

Joel and the bots were still shaking off the shock of Frank's  
announcement when alarms wailed and multicolored lights flashed.

"OHHHH, WE'VE GOT LEMON SIGN!!!" Joel cried out. 

 

(Door 6: It slides open on both sides..)

(Door 5: It's made of beads. They explode out towards you, and you  
move on..)

(Door 4: It falls toward you, missing your foot by inches.)

(Door 3: It's a castle gate, that rises into the ceiling..) 

(Door 2. It's solid black marble. An Akahn floats from behind you and  
touches the door. The door vanishes.)

(Door 1: It splits in four ways, twice.)

(Door .7: A beam of golden light erupts from the floor. You walk into it.)

 

Joel emerged from the light into the theater with Tom in his  
arms, Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind.  
Stepping over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the theater  
on his own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater seats and sat  
next to him, Crow sitting on his right.

 

>9-Ball Dreams

Tom: ...of taking the 8-Ball from behind.

 

>(Part One)  
>\- by Mr_Jazz

Joel: Based on an original idea by Mr_Tambourine Man. 

 

>* * * *

Crow: Starring the cast of Hee Haw!

 

>The following work of Sailor Moon fiction is rated "H" for Hentai. 

Tom: Dang, and here I was hoping it was for "Humus".

Joel: Nice of Mr_Jazz to give us some preparation for H.

 

>If you are under 18 (21 in some states) and/or are  
>offended by literature of a sexually explicit nature, then  
>please close your internet browser now..

Tom: You mean they can't use the internet at all unless they're old  
enough to read *YOUR* story? You've got some nerve!

 

>Otherwise, sit back and enjoy

Crow: ...falling backwards off your chair and landing in a heap on the  
floor.

 

>This story is a cross over with "The Hustler" starring Paul Newman  
>(Eddie Phelson) and Jackie Gleason (Minnesota Fats),

Tom: Somehow I can't picture Paul Newman with shoujo eyes.

Joel: Let's just pray he keeps his spaghetti sauce out of this.

 

>and "The Color of Money" starring Paul Newman and Tom Cruise  
>(Vincent Lauria). 

Crow: Wait a minute! Paul Newman and Tom Cruise played the same  
character? 

 

>Both of these movies are available at your local video store and I highly  
>recommend them. Both "The Hustler" and "The Color of Money"  
>are trade marks of some big movie producing company, 

Tom: [Mr_Jazz] However, if you want copyright of this story, I'll be  
expecting the big bucks by morning, capeesh?

 

>and I am not claiming any credit for their creation. I am merely  
>borrowing them for a little while.

Joel: All right, but remember it's a quarter for every day they're overdue!

 

>Please send all questions, comments and PRACTICAL criticism

Crow: So the questions and comments don't have to be practical?

Tom: Why can't we float up into the air whenever we feel like it? There  
wasn't nearly enough r's and f's in your story, you know!

 

>to "mrjazz_@hotmail.com".

Crow: Should that be mr_jazz@hotmail.com?

Tom: Miles Davis fan must've grabbed that one.

 

>I will be more than happy to reply.

Joel: [Mr_Jazz] Hell, I'll be ecstatic!

 

>Megane 6.7, if you're reading this, feel free to MST it, and  
>please, make it good!!! I nearly died laughing at the MST  
>you did for "Trapped"!

 

Joel: [Megane 6.7] Okay, but you die laughing at this one, I won't  
be held responsible! ;P

 

>One last thing; due to the nature of the cross-over I am  
>forced to use the horrible NA Sailor Moon dub names.  
>I apologize profusely for this,

Tom: [Teacher] Apologies will get you nowhere! Now you march right  
off to detention, young man!

 

>and in my next fic, "The Spirit of Formula One", I will use the original  
>names that we all know and love.

Crow: His next fic is a crossover with Sailor Moon and NASCAR?

Joel: Better then a crossover with Stroker Ace.

Tom: [Burt Reynolds] Hey there little girl, my old wife was an Anderson  
too, wanna try the Bandit's stick shift?

Joel: Ick...

 

>* * * *

Tom: Ah, those must be the stars WCW let go.

Joel: At least for this month.

 

>It had been a hard day for Ami Andersen. She found herself sitting at  
>a 98% average in Mathematics instead of her planned 125%.

Tom: Uh, Ami, you can't exceed 100%, you know? Are you CERTAIN  
you didn't cheat on your exams?

 

>She had also been picked on more than usual, and Lita had been forced  
>to start kicking some asses, which only upset her more.

Joel: [Lita] Damn it! No matter how many people I beat the crap out of,  
it just gets me more and more UPSET!!! ARRRRGH!!!

 

>Now, Lita and Ami were headed back to Ami's house so they could  
>study for a big test tomorrow.

Tom: [Ami] Uhhhh... 118%? 115%? No, wait, don't tell me... 112%!

Crow: [Lita] Hoo boy, this is going to be an all-nighter.

 

>"I really wish that you would stop beating people up every time they say  
>something derogatory to me. It really isn't necessary as I stopped caring  
>a long time ago," Ami said as they rounded the corner onto the street  
>that the "Crown Arcade" was located.

Joel: [Ami] After all, I'll be a millionaire by age 25 and they'll be stuck in  
depressing, dehumanizing corporate jobs!

 

>"Well, yeah, but nobody deserves to be treated the way you  
>are; and you really don't stand up for yourself at all," Lita replied.

Crow: [Lita] Come on, Ami! Let me be your thug!

 

>"Maybe," Ami sighed, "but in future, could you try and refrain from  
>violence. It really isn't necessary at all." Before Lita had a chance to  
>reply, Ami thrust her arm forward

Tom: *POW!*

Joel: [Ami] Now then, no more violence or I'll sock you one again!

 

>and pointed at a crowd gathered across the street from the Arcade.  
>Lita noticed it too, and they both broke into a run to see what was  
>going on. As the two girls approached (and barged their way to the  
>front of the crowd)

Crow: Heh, so much for not using violence.

Joel: [Lita] *POW!* Everybody out of Ami's way! *SOCK!*  
Shove off! *WHAM!* Hey lady, move it or lose it! *BIFF!* Make  
tracks, granny! *THUMP!*

 

>they saw that the event was the opening of a new Billiards Hall right  
>there across from the Arcade. A table was set up on the sidewalk and  
>two men battled it out over a game of Pool.

Crow: Must be Drew Carrey's pool table.

Joel: [Jackie Gleason] Damn wind! My balls won't stay still!

 

>Their game was really an American game called 9-Ball, in  
>which the balls are racked in a diamond formation, then sunk  
>in numerical order ascending from one to nine.

Tom: As opposed to 5-ball, where the balls ricochet against the skull of  
your opponent in numerical order.

 

>Ami had always dismissed the game as a mere example of simple  
>physics and geometry, but now, as she saw the crowd cheering as the  
>two men slammed the balls into the pockets in a race for the nine,  
>something captivated her.

Crow: Ami never could resist men slamming each other's balls.

 

>There was a sudden shriek from a microphone being turned on, and as  
>most of the people turned to see what was going on,

Joel: Easily distracted crowd, aren't they?

Tom: [Homer Simpson] That dog has a puffy tail!

 

>Ami just continued starring, studying the table. When the 9-Ball was  
>sunk, she applauded enthusiastically. Then she turned to face the  
>podium.

Crow: [Ami] GAH?! Man, I hate it when inanimate objects suddenly  
appear in front of me!

 

>A man with white hair who looked to be in his middle fifties  
>stood at the podium and motioned for silence. When he got  
>it, he began his speech.

Tom: I'll bet it's Leslie Nielsen. That guy's in EVERYTHING.

Joel: [man] Hello, my name is Patrick and I took out Life Insurance.

 

>"Ladies and gentlemen, what you have just witnessed is a  
>north American game called 9-Ball.

Crow: [man] ...for those of you that were spaced out during the previous  
description...

 

>As Billiards has not yet fully caught on in Japan, we of the Billiards  
>Congress of America or the BCA have made it our mission to promote  
>this fine sport throughout Japan and the rest of Asia.

Tom: [man] And when we say promote, we mean spread like a bad  
social disease.

 

>My name is Eddie Phelson,

Joel: [Eddie] ...and I'm a billiard-holic.

Crow & Tom: HI, EDDIE!

 

>and I have trained some of the worlds finest players from Vincent here,"  
>he said motioning to a man who looked to be in his mid twenties and  
>boasted an elaborate looking cue.

Crow: John de Lancie?

 

>"To Canada's Stan Torangeau, to Ronnie O'Sullivan of the United  
>Kingdom.

Tom: ...to Phillip Banks and his trusty Lucille in Bel Air.

 

>Now, these names may not mean very much to you now,

Joel: [Eddie] ...and when you're hopelessly in debt from gambling losses,  
they'll mean even less...

 

>but as anyone of you begins to play, they will seem as big as your Sailor  
>Moon super heroine."

Tom: Yes, when you think of long wooden sticks and hard shiny balls, think  
SAILOR MOON!

 

>The audience, including Lita and Ami, went ballistic at the mention of  
>Sailor Moon.

Joel: So pool players are all hardcore SM fans?

Tom: And what's with Lita and Ami?

Crow: [Lita] OhmygodOhmygodOhmygod, h-he said SAILOR MOON!!!  
AHHHHHHHHHH!!!

 

>Then, Eddie continued his speech in a tone which almost made you  
>want to go out any buy everything there was to buy about Billiards  
>before you even knew how to play.

Joel: Unfortunately, Eddie's dead-on voice impression of Morgan Freeman  
failed at the last moment due to a hacking cough.

 

>"Today, at the opening of this grand building, Phelson Billiards, I  
>would like to invite you all to come in and play for free,

Crow: [Eddie] But hey, dream on people! Ten bucks a head!

 

>and I hope we can spread the popularity of this great game throughout  
>the world."

All: [Eddie] Heh... heh heh... mwa heh heh BWAHAAHAHAHAHA!!!

 

>The crowd applauded and as the doors opened, Ami and Lita were  
>swept inside with the movement of the crowd. When they finally met  
>up, they looked like they had been trampled in a stampede.

Crow: So, Japanese people are basically starved for entertainment?

 

>Before either of the two had a chance to say anything, them  
>found themselves in awe at the vastness of the hall.

Bots: [Lita and Ami] Aww...

Joel: [Narrator] I said Awe, a-w-e...

Bots: [Lita and Ami] Ohh...

 

>A wall chart boasted that the hall had over 20 8-Ball tables (3 1/2 feet  
>by 7 feet), over 40 9-Ball tables (4 1/2 by 9 feet) and 15 Snooker tables  
>(6 by 12 feet). When Ami finally said something, Lita agreed totally.

Crow: [Ami] Wanna try bungee jumping instead? There's a 146%  
chance we both won't fall to our deaths...

 

>"Wanna play?"  
>  
>The two girls walked up to an available table which was  
>nearest the bar, table 12.

Crow: [Lita] Great, I could use a belt about now. Be right back, Ami.

Joel: [Ami] Take it easy, Lita. Remember what happened the last time?

Crow: [Lita] What? I just sang a few harmless songs!

Joel: [Ami] You call 'DIE, he must DIE, my ex-boyfriend must DIE!' a  
harmless little song?

Crow: [Lita] Hey, I'll keep my clothes on this time! Promise!

 

>The table was already racked for 9-Ball, and there was a cue rack  
>nearby. Both girls

Tom: ...also had a nice pair of racks.

Joel: Hey...

Tom: Sorry.

 

>selected a cue at random,

Joel: [Ami] I'll take Exit, Stage Right!

 

>and then figured out that the little blue cubes on the rack were to rub  
>against the cuetip from a sign posted behind the rack.

Tom: ...right after they put the cubes in their mouths and exclaimed, "Hey!  
This ain't sugar!"

Joel: [Lita] You know, it might not be sugar, but watch... my face slides  
off now... Whoaaaaa...

 

>It also explained the rules of 9-Ball. After a couple of minutes, they had  
>the game half figured out.

Joel: [Ami] Which would be 75%, right?

Crow: [Lita] Oh shut up and hike the ball already... hut-hut!

 

>"Do you want to break, or do I?" asked Ami to Lita.  
>  
>"I'll break," Lita replied, "if that's alright."

Crow: [Lita] I'm goin' out for a butt. Hold my calls, willya?

 

>Ami just motioned to the table and Lita positioned the cue  
>ball perpendicular to the 1-ball at the head of the diamond.

>Her cue was a Dufferin 20oz, and when Lita made the initial shot, she  
>only clipped the cue ball and sent it flying into the side pocket.

All: (start scratching themselves)

 

>Both girls broke into hysterical laughter.

Tom and Crow: [girls] BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HEheheheha  
ahem hah... snort... heh... ha... sniff...

Joel: S'fun.

 

>"Lita, you're so talented! That was the finest break I've ever seen!."  
>  
>"OK brainiac, you try!" Lita shot back handing Ami the cueball. Ami  
>looked at the diamond, and estimated the ball weight in her hand.

Tom: (snickers)

Crow: AHEM, that's... quite a talent that girl's got there...

 

>Then she took into account the distance to the rack, the force of gravity  
>and friction, angle of the balls and tightness of the rack.

Tom: (starts choking as he struggles to contain his laughter)

Crow: [Ami] That reminds me, I wonder what Greg's doing later tonight?

 

>All of this in 2 seconds, then she positioned the cueball, pulled back,  
>and let 'er rip.  
>  
>The cueball thrust into the group of nine like a freight train, sending out  
>a sound-wave that could be heard all throughout the hall.

Crow: Is it 9-Ball... or is it Memorex?

 

>Many games stopped to look at their table, as the 2 rolled into a side  
>pocket, and the 3, 4, 6, and 9 all rolled into the bottom two pockets.

Joel: Beginner's luck?

Tom: Author's whim.

Joel: Ah.

 

>All but one of the remaining balls rolled down towards Ami.

Tom: The lone surviving ball vowing vengeance against the blue haired  
mathematician...

 

>"Holy shit," Lita said under her breath. Some people at the  
>tables next to them applauded, others looked jealous, and  
>some gave her the fluke look.

Tom: Still others gave her the dreaded albino nose weasel look, which  
took some doing and caused severe hemorrhaging, but it got the point  
across, darn it!

 

>That's when Ami felt a tap on the shoulder. She turned around to see  
>the man that was referred to by Eddie as Vincent, and he had his  
>elaborate cue with him.

Crow: [Ami] My, what an... (blush) ...elaborate cue you've got there.

 

>"Hi," he said, holding out his hand, "name's Vincent. I just saw your  
>break."

Tom: [Vincent] And I noticed it was done with a rather... ordinary cue?  
Allow me show you what the aid of a laser sight, infrared scanner and  
vibrator functions can do for MY game...

 

>Ami blushed slightly. "Really," she managed to squeak out, as her  
>teenage heart melted at the looks of this total hunk.

Crow: [Ami] *BRAAAAACK!!!* Uh sorry, must've had a little  
heartburn there.

 

>"Yeah," Vincent said, "that was phenomenal. Can you do it again?"

Crow: [Ami] Well, I can try but it'll hardly have the same reverb, got  
any soda?

 

>"I'm not sure, I think it was just..."  
>  
>Thats when Lita stepped in. "Lita Kino," she said shaking  
>Vincent's hand, "nice to meet you, can I talk to my friend  
>for a second."  
>  
>Without waiting for a reply, she grabbed Ami by the arm and dragged  
>her out of earshot.  
>  
>"What are you doing?" Ami asked, as she tried to free Lita's hand from  
>her arm.

Crow: [Lita] Breaking your arm, my last paycheck bounced.

 

>"Ami, that guy is a complete hunk, and you were about to tell him you  
>got lucky. Get back there and break those balls again."

Tom: YEAH! Take Tom Cruise down a peg or three!

 

>"I'm not sure that I can."

Joel: [Ami] What do I look like? Don Rickles?

 

>Lita was becoming exasperated. "Look Ami, I know you  
>calculated quite deeply to get the balls to split the way  
>they did, so just do it again."

Crow: [Lita] Now if you could only find a way to prevent split ends...

 

>Before Ami had a chance to protest, Lita was dragging her  
>back to the table.

Tom: [Lita] Wanna see what I bring to the table?

 

>Ami picked up her cue and positioned the que-ball just as Vincent was  
>finished racking.

Joel: Que-ball?

Tom: [Manwell] Si, Senor Fawlty!

 

>He motioned for Ami to break. She went through her calculations  
>again, and adjusted to maximize the ball breakage.

All: (frantic) GET ON WITH IT!!!

 

>Then she placed the neck of the cue between her thumb and forefinger,  
>pulled back, and thrust forward.

Joel: [Ami] Owwww! Splinter! Splinter!

 

>The 1, 7, and 8 went down. Once again, people at the surrounding  
>tables began to gave her the fluke look.

Crow: [Ami] Lita, be a dear and hurt them please.

 

>Vincent applauded. "Wow," he said as he clapped, "you are amazing.  
>Here listen, how about you come back here tomorrow, and I'll give you  
>some pointers."

Tom: [Vincent] *Elaborate* pointers... they even glow in the dark.

 

>Ami was taken back, and at the same time felt embarrassed that Lita  
>was not receiving the same invitation. She expected Lita to be fuming,  
>but instead she was smiling.

Tom: ...as she opened her blouse to reveal several packs of dynamite  
strapped to her body.

 

>She mouthed for Ami to accept and she did.

Joel: [Lita, mouthing] Now ask him if he's into the ménage!

 

>"Sure," she said, as she shook Vincent's hand, "I'll be here."  
>  
>"Great," Vince replied as he flashed one of his killer smiles,

Tom: [Vincent] Did I mention my elaborate cue squirts Joker gas?

 

>"see you then." Then he walked off with his cue towards the Snooker  
>tables. As Ami turned to face Lita, Lita said "Well, you've finally found  
>a sport, and a complete hunk of a guy, man, it's you're day today."

Joel: Yes, its you're day two bee mixing up awl you're homonyms!

 

>"It sure is," replied Ami, already fantasizing romantically about Vincent.

Crow: [Ami, singing] I'm just wild about Vin-cent!

Tom: [Ami] Those red eyes, his long black hair, that huge hand gun...

Joel: Wrong Vincent.

Tom: Oops.

 

>* * * *  
>  
>Ami found herself standing outside Phelson's Billiards with  
>her purse, and her backpack. School had finished for the  
>day and she had come here alone, as none of her friends were  
>able to make it.  
>  
>As she walked in the doors, she immediately noticed that the  
>place had no customers at all,

Tom: Pool, meet fifteen minutes of fame. Fifteen minutes of fame, this  
is Pool.

 

>and that Vincent was at table 12 again, setting up a rack of 15 for some  
>form of exercise.  
>  
>As he noticed Ami walk in, he waved.  
>  
>"Hi Ami, glad you could make it," he said as she approached  
>the table.

Crow: [Ami] Geez, it's freezing in here!

Tom: [Vincent] Yep, cold enough to freeze the balls off a pool table.

Crow: (groans)

Joel: Okay guys, I call no more ball jokes from this point on, okay?

Crow: I second that!

 

>"Hi Vince, what are we going to be doing anyway?" Ami  
>replied as she put her backpack and purse down on a nearby  
>bar stool.  
>  
>"Well," Vince said, "follow me."  
>  
>He began to walk to a door that was past the Snooker tables. When  
>he arrived, he produced a key from his front pocket and unlocked  
>the door. Then he opened it for Ami and motioned for her to enter.  
>As they entered, the door closed behind them.

Crow: No one will be admitted during the breathtaking DOORWAY  
sequence!

 

>What was in the room, took her by complete surprise.

All: (singing) Happy Birthday to You! Happy Birthday to You!

 

>The room was about the size of a small bookstore, with 1 Snooker table,  
>and one 9-Ball table right in the middle.

Tom: Good characterization there. Ami probably WOULD use the size  
of a bookstore to measure the size of a room considering the amount of  
time she's probably spent in them.

Joel: Wow! I'm impressed, Tom! Good observation!

Crow: Oh, for pete's sake, you were scolding him for ball jokes a few  
sentences ago!

 

>Along the walls were endless cues, cases, books, new sets of balls etc.

Tom: [Vincent] Let's see... Don't need cues... Don't need cases... Don't  
need books... BINGO!!!

Crow: Joel, he's doing it again!

 

>It was a private store.

Joel: Cruise liked to keep his balls to himself.

Crow: Now YOU'RE doing it! What the hell, Joel!?

Joel: (chuckles) Last one, I promise.

Crow: Hmph!

 

>"Wow," was the only word to escape Ami's lips.  
>  
>"It's all mine, I own everything in this room; and now I have something  
>for you."

Crow: [Vincent] It's a slave collar! Hope I got your neck size right.

 

>He pulled a hard black case out from under a counter and handed it to  
>Ami. As she opened it, she gasped.

Tom: Hmm, do you supposed it's something related to the game of  
POOL?!?

 

>It was a beautiful two piece 9-Ball cue with a deep blue bottom half,  
>with a black leather grip, and it had an engraving on it. It said

Crow: "Warning: Not recommended for use as a marital aid."

Tom: "If you can read this, you're about to lose an eyeball."

Joel: "I break for everybody."

 

>"For Ami, from Vincent, may you discover you're true talent." 

Crow: [Engraver] Hey, I don't spell check 'em, I just engrave 'em.

 

>Also, in the case, were two blocks of chalk, a BCA pocket rulebook, a  
>tip repair kit, 

Tom: Perfect for those sudden circumcisions that seems to spring out  
of nowhere...

 

>and another top half. Ami had no idea what to say, as this was a  
>complete surprise.

Joel: No, Ami screaming 'POOL! THE DEVIL'S GAME!!!' and stabbing  
the pool cue repeatedly into Vincent's head would be a complete surprise.

Crow: Though perfectly understandable under the circumstances.

 

>"Vincent, I have no idea what to say, this is such a surprise; thank you  
>so much, this is such a great present I have no idea what to say..."

Tom: To recap: She has no idea what to say.

Joel: (singing) Say, say, say what you want... but don't play games with  
my affection...

Crow: [Ami] ...I mean, you've only known me for one whole day and  
you bought me all this stuff... you must be REALLY desperate for  
company, huh?

 

>"How about `Vince, teach me to play right now`, does that work?"  
>Vince replied as Ami shut the case and snapped the latches.  
>  
>"Vincent," she said, "teach me to play right now. Oh and one question..."  
>  
>"Yes?"

Crow: [Ami] Can I continue to order you around like this?

Tom: [Vincent] Depends. Can you get me a date with Darien after  
the fic?

Crow: [Ami] Consider it done!

 

>"What was the other top half for? Is it an extra?"

Tom: [Vincent] Nah, the extras all left to check the sheets after the  
crowd scene was over.

 

>"No," Vince laughed, "it's for Snooker. Don't worry about that right  
>now, well just work on 9-Ball, starting with basics like shooting and  
>cue-ball spin."

Joel: [Ami] Shooting? Okay, I'm sick of being stuck in this lame-o  
lemon with a dumb-ass pretty boy and being forced to go gaga over this  
unbelievably BORING snoozefest of a sport you call POOL while waiting  
for something, ANYTHING, even remotely interesting to happen to me!

Crow: [Vincent] Uh, Ami? Not THAT kind of shooting.

Joel: [Ami] Oh... nevermind then.

 

>"Alright," Ami said motioning towards the door, lets get this show on  
>the road."

Tom: [Ami] Enough of this pool crap! This lemon needs some spice!  
Time for you to strip down to your underwear and start doing the Risky  
Business dance while I unbutton my blouse and moan softly on how hot  
it's getting in here...

 

>Vincent led Ami back to table 12 where he had set up the 15 balls in  
>certain spots around the table. Some were in the center, some were  
>over the pockets and some were on the cushion.

Crow: ...and some were in the kitchen with Dinah.

 

>As Ami took out her cue and began screwing it together, Vincent began  
>the lesson. "The whole object of any pocket billiard sport, is to sink the  
>balls. This is the only way anyone can win. 

Crow: [Ami] GASP! You're KIDDING?

Tom: [Ami] And what if I took this pool cue, shined that sonabitch up  
real nice and stuck it straight up your candy ass?

Joel: (shudders) There's an image I could definately do without.

Crow: All kidding aside, I've about had my fill of pool. What's say we  
skip ahead a few pages, if you smell what this bot is cooking?

Tom: I'm with him, Jabronie.

Joel: Okay, but only if you both promise to stop the Rock impressions.

Crow: Hey, whatever you say, Slapnuts.

Joel: (wincing) Uh, thanks. 

 

>"Aw shit," Ami cursed as she walked over to pick up the ball. Her short  
>skirt came up as she bent over and Vincent got an excellent view of her  
>panties. 

Crow: And now, ladies and gentlemen... the reason this fanfic was made.

 

>As Ami came back up and whipped her hair back, she smiled at Vince.  
>  
>"You like what you saw?"

Tom: [Vincent] Yeah! What kind of shampoo do you use to get that  
natural bounce? Alberto?

Joel: [Ami] Nope, Pert Plus! It's Shampoo plus Conditioner in one  
bottle! 

 

>"Oh yes, who wouldn't?" Vince replied as he put his cue on the table  
>and moved closer to Ami. Ami just kept smiling, as she knew what  
>was about to happen, or hoped what was about to happen.

Tom: [Ami] Major sexual harassment suit in MY favor! Big money!  
Woo hoo!

 

>"So," Ami said, looking Vincent in the eyes, "Do we just drop right  
>down on the floor and go for it?"

Crow: [Vincent] Yeah! Drop on the floor and give me twenty! Now!

 

>"Actually, Vince smiled back, "I had this table in mind." he said tapping  
>on the billiard table.

Joel: [Ami] You sure? I'm a maniac, a maniac on the floor...

 

>"I guess we'll get to see how strong slate really is," Ami said 

Joel: It's not how strong it is... but whether you can wipe it clean  
afterwards.

 

>as Vincent drew her into a French kiss and let himself slowly fall back  
>on the table (remembering to knock the balls to the side first) with Ami  
>on top...

Tom: Author just can't help making a reference to the balls again.

Joel: [Ami] One more thing before we begin... um... you ARE aware  
that I'm in high school and thus jailbait, right?

Crow: [Vincent] W-what? What did you say?

Joel: [Ami] Oh... nothing. It wasn't that important. 

 

>* * * *

Crow: It's The Hollywood Inch of Fame!

Tom: Well, let's recap the lemon so far. Pool! Then more Pool!  
Followed by Pool! Tons O' Pool! Even MORE pool! And, oh yeah,  
balls! Lots and lots of balls! Can't get enough  
of them balls! And cues! Mustn't forget the cues and the tables and the  
extra set of balls! Did I mention this fic has BALLS?!?

Joel: Whoa! Easy, Tom! Don't let the fanfic get to you! 

Tom: Balls... too many balls... not having a  
ball...

 

>Mina and Serena were driving back to Serena's apartment 

Joel: Back from where? 

Crow: FINALLY! A change of scenery! I was ready to go as loco as  
poor Tommy.

 

>when they felt the "love" shockwave that all the Sailors felt when  
>someone got lucky. 

All: (singing) Love shock! Baby, love shock!

 

>Serena was immediately on the cell phone. First she called, Reeny, to  
>see if her and Hotaru were getting it on.  
>  
>"Sorry Mom," Reeny said, "not quite yet."

Tom: [Serena] Well, what's taking you so long?!? I didn't raise my  
daughter to be a prude, you know! 

 

>Next she called Lita, but her and Raye were practicing some  
>martial arts and were definitely not having sex right then,

Tom: So we're supposed to just assume that most of the Sailor Senshi  
are lesbians?

Crow: Hey, why break a long standing tradition in Sailor Moon  
lemons?

 

>and why would they, they were two of the three "straight" minority in  
>the Sailor Senshi at the moment.

Tom: But it wasn't long before they were once again prone to rampant  
unbridled lesbianism!

Joel: Howard Stern would be proud.

 

>Serena next thought of calling Haruka and Michiru, but they weren't  
>exactly in this dimension at the moment. 

Tom: So the "love" shockwave can't travel between dimensions? 

Crow: Yeah, Haruka and Michiru were too busy in the 5th dimension  
guiding planets, steering stars and letting the sunshine in...

 

>She thought she must be becoming ill, and since Ami was training  
>to become a doctor, she called Ami's cell phone to ask if she knew what  
>was wrong.

Joel: [Ami] Take two studs and call me in the morning! 

 

>Serena got the shock of her life when Ami finally answered.

Tom: [Serena] The lust is coming from inside the pool hall!

Joel: [Serena] Ami!! I had this strange feeling that you were having sex  
now, and thought that it would be a good time for us to chat for a  
couple of hours. So... how've you been?

 

>As she answered, she must of dropped the phone, and all she  
>heard were lusty sexual cries, and the names "Vincent" and  
>"Ami" being said over and over, 

Crow: [Ami] Vincent.

Joel: [Vincent] Ami.

Tom: [Ami] Greg... uh, I mean, Vincent!

Joel: [Vincent] Darien... er, I mean, Ami!

 

>as well as some phrases like "harder, fuck me harder", and "oh, I love  
>you, that feels so good." 

Tom: Along with the occasional "BOOOMSHACALAKA!"

 

>Serena was beside herself. She began soaking her panties with love  
>juices right there and immediately hung up, but it was too late. Mina  
>had smelled it, and began to drive like a mad-woman to get home  
>so that she and Serena could make love.

Crow: [Mina] AHHHHHH!!! MY BRAND NEW LEATHER  
INTERIOR!!! I'M GOING TO *KILL* YOU, SERENA!!!

 

>"Mina, slow down," Serena screamed as Mina wove the car in and out  
>of traffic, "it's not like we'll never fuck again or something."

Tom: [Serena] Not to mention the pedestrians bouncing off our hood  
might appreciate it!

Crow: [Mina] NO! We're going too slow as it is! 

Tom: [Serena, panicked] L-Let me put this another way... Do you  
r-remember a certain movie by David Cronenberg about c-car  
crashes...?!?

 

>"Serena, I want you now! If Ami's getting some then damn it, so  
>should I!"

Joel: [Mina] Hang on, Serena, I'm taking us right to... LUDICROUS  
SPEED!!!

Tom: (gasps in horror)

Crow: Moments later, Mina screamed as she lost control of the car.  
There was the sound of squealing tires and suddenly the picture went  
black as the sound of a horrific crash could be heard... 

Tom: Wow, nice soap opera cliffhanger moment there, Crow! And  
good timing, cause it's time for us to go!

Crow: [announcer] Stay tuned for scenes from the next "9-Ball Dreams"  
right after these messages...

(Joel picks up Tom and follows Crow out of the theater)

* * *

MEANWHILE, OUTSIDE THE SATELLITE OF LOVE...

Gypsy sighed contentedly as she relaxed across the hull, having  
just finished repairing a minor breach. Random collisions from passing  
asteroids was a fairly common occurrence and she didn't mind being the  
only one capable of repairing the ship, since it gave her an excuse to go  
outside and enjoy a spectacular view of Earth and the stars while she  
worked. 

There were times she wished she could enjoy this with someone  
else. Once she had invited Joel, Tom and Crow to come out with her.  
Unfortunately, it hadn't worked out like she planned as Tom and Crow  
bickered with each other while poor Joel got spacesick. 

Another time, she had recreated the outside of the Satellite of  
Love in the Holocabana and had a nice picnic on the hull with Richard  
Baseheart. While she did have a good time, somehow the experience just  
wasn't the same as actually being out in space. There were some things  
that couldn't be simulated, no matter what the technology...

Still, there were something to be said for peaceful solitude  
whenever she simply needed some quiet time to relax and there was no  
quieter place in the universe than space...

Lost in her revere, Gypsy was startled when an internal alarm  
abruptly announced that something was approaching the ship. She  
immediately accessed the Satellite's sensors to find out what they had  
detected and then activated the engines for a short burst, changing the  
heading of the satellite slightly before resuming her relaxed state.

Suddenly, she raised her head and would have frowned if she  
were capable. The ship made another abrupt turn as Gypsy changed  
course again and fired up the engines, this time for twice as long before  
shutting them down. She paused for a long moment, her head cocked to  
one side as if waiting for something...

When that something occurred, she gasped in horror and  
immediately activated the emergency lights as she began pulling her  
long cylindrical body back into the ship. There wasn't any time to waste  
as Gypsy accessed the P.A. System to warn Joel of the coming danger...

* * * 

INSIDE THE SATELLITE OF LOVE 

Joel and the bots had just emerged from the theater when alarms  
wailed and multicolored lights flashed.

"Lemon sign already?!? We just got OUT of the theater, for  
crying out loud!" Tom complained. 

"Those aren't the lemon sign alarms!" Joel said, a look of concern  
on his face as he noticed the lights that illuminated the bridge turning a  
deep red color. "I think we're in trouble, guys..."

"Gypsy to Joel! Gypsy to Joel! Can you hear me?" The voice  
of Gypsy crackled over the loudspeaker.

"Gypsy, what's going on?" Joel yelled over the sounds of the  
alarms.

"We're in serious trouble, Joel! Sensors are detecting a large  
cluster of asteroids headed right for the Satellite of Love! If they hit us,  
they could seriously damage the ship, possibly even destroy us  
completely!" Gypsy's voice was full of panic.

"What's the big deal? Just fire up the engines and steer us clear  
of them!" Tom suggested.

"Don't you think I've TRIED that?!?" Gypsy retorted angrily.  
"These aren't normal asteroids! Every time I change our position, the  
asteroids change their course to hit us!"

"Self-guided asteroids? What, are we under attack by Xur and  
the Kodan Armada?" Crow wondered.

"Let's find out! Cambot, give me Rocket Number Nine!" Joel  
commanded as he took a close look at the viewscreen. "Magnify image!"  
he added as the screen zoomed in on what appeared to be a cluster of  
asteroids. "Max out the zoom level. Let's get a good look at these  
things!" Joel said as the image magnified again and tightened up the  
resolution.

Joel and the bots were dumbfounded by what they saw. "I-Is  
that what I think it is?!" Joel exclaimed, shocked. 

"I t-think it is..." Tom stammered.

"It's a cluster of Space Pool Balls in a diamond formation in  
numerical order ascending from one to nine! AND THEY'RE COMING  
TO SINK US!!!" Crow screamed.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! ABANDON SHIP!!! ABANDON  
SHIP!!! WOMEN AND SERVO FIRST!!!" Tom cried out as he and  
Crow began to run around in circles, completely panicked.

"Calm down, guys! We can't just give up! There's got to be  
something we can do!" Joel admonished while fearfully glancing at the  
approaching pool balls. A moment later, Gypsy made her way into the  
bridge and Joel rushed up to her. "Gypsy, is there any way we can avoid  
or outrun them?"

"Negative! They're coming in too fast! We've only got a  
few minutes at the most before they get here!" Gypsy replied, trying to  
keep cool and collected while Tom and Crow continued to scream at the  
top of their lungs that they were all doomed.

"Shoot, there has to be some way to stop them before they  
collide with the hull but how!?" Joel exclaimed as he racked his brain  
for a solution. Then Gypsy spoke up again. 

"Wait! If it's a cluster of pool balls, then shouldn't another pool  
ball launched in the opposite direction be able to split them up and away  
from the satellite?" Gypsy offered.

Joel's eyes lit up with excitement. "Gypsy, that's brilliant! I can  
build us a cue ball in no time and... oh, wait! If the pool balls are able to  
match our heading, then what's to stop them from targeting us again once  
they've been split up?" Joel asked, suddenly downtrodden again.

Gypsy struggled to find an answer when Joel abruptly snapped  
his fingers. "Of course! I can modify the cue ball to send out a  
electrostatic shockwave once it gets close to the cluster! That should  
hopefully fry their guidance systems and then, once our pool ball hits,  
they'll be scattered all over the universe, unable to lock onto us again!"

Joel paused as another complication came to mind. "But there's  
still the problem of getting the pool ball's velocity up high enough to  
effectively split up the balls! If only we had an oversized pool cue..."

Gypsy nodded in agreement with Joel and tried to think of  
another suitable substitution when she caught a glimpse of her cylindrical  
body and an idea, unpleasant as it was, came to mind. Gathering her  
courage, she took a deep breath and said. 

"Joel? I think I'm just what you're looking for..."

* * *

OUTSIDE THE SATELLITE OF LOVE

"Are you sure about this, Gypsy?" Joel asked, concerned.

"I'll be fine! This football helmet will protect me!" Gypsy  
called back as she uncoiled herself as far as possible while Joel manned  
the controls for the Manipulator Arms, a set of gigantic mechanical arms  
outside the ship that would help guide Gypsy's body back and thrust her  
at the oversized cue ball that had inexplicably been found in the loading  
bay next to a box of hamdingers. 

The cue ball had already been modified to release the shockwave  
and launched out the airlock where it floated in readiness in front of Gypsy.  
Joel moved the Manipulator Arms into position to gently grasp Gypsy's  
body between its thumb and forefinger.

"Hey, watch where you put those hands!" Gypsy warned.

"Oops, sorry about that!" Joel apologized, blushing as he shifted  
the arms slightly.

"Wow, she really IS an elaborate cue!" Tom marveled as he  
watched the viewscreen.

"Actually, she's more like an elaborate vacuum hose..." Crow  
corrected.

"Shhh! Pipe down, you guys! This isn't as easy as it looks!" Joel  
admonished as he finished positioning Gypsy with the Manipulator Arms.  
"Okay, Gypsy, this is it! Sure hope this works!"

"You and me both, Joel!" Gypsy replied, nervous.

Joel took a deep breath and watched the viewscreen as the pool  
balls came closer and closer, until...

"NOW!" Joel cried out as he thrust Gypsy forward to strike the  
cue ball hard. It took off like a slapshot towards the cluster and when it  
was close enough, emitted the static shockwave. Unable to guide  
themselves anymore, the cluster was easy pickings for the cue ball as it  
slammed into them like a freight train, scattering the balls in all directions  
until they were soon out of sight.

"WE DID IT!!! THE SATELLITE IS SAVED!!!" Crow let out  
a whoop while Tom hovered up and down with joy, cheering for Gypsy.  
Meanwhile, Joel wanted to be sure Gypsy was okay before he started  
celebrating. "Gypsy, are you okay?

There was no response. "Gypsy, can you hear me?!?" Joel  
asked again, a feeling of dread welling up in him. Then there was a  
sound of static and Gypsy replied with a groan. "That hurt, you know..."

Joel breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank goodness. Are you  
okay, Gypsy? 

Gypsy groaned. "I'll live. Now I know how Tom must feel  
when his head explodes..."

Joel couldn't help smiling. "You did great, Gypsy. You saved  
all of us. We can't begin to thank you enough! 

"Let's hear it for Gyps! Hip Hip HOORAY! Hip Hip HOORAY! Hip Hip  
HOORAY!!!" Crow and Tom exclaimed.

"Thanks, guys. I'm just amazed that we managed to do all this  
before the MADS called you back into the theater." Gypsy remarked as  
she began coiling herself back into the satellite.

"Actually, it's only been about four minutes or so since you first  
warned us, it just SEEMS longer because of all the excitement and drama,  
right guys?" Joel asked his friends.

"Uh, sure, Joel," Tom replied.

"Whatever you say, Plot Contrivance Man." Crow added.

"There's just one thing bugging me, though... Who sent those  
pool balls after us in the first place?" Joel wondered.

The bridge lapsed into silence as they pondered that question.  
Suddenly, alarms wailed and multicolored lights flashed.

"AHHHHHHHHH!!! MORE POOL BALLS!!!" Crow and  
Tom screamed.

"No, it isn't, you goonheads! It's LEMON SIGN!!!" Joel cried  
out as he scooped up Tom and rushed into the theater. 

"I knew that!" Crow exclaimed as he followed after them.

 

TO BE CONTINUED IN 9-BALL DREAMS PT. 2...

 

Hiya! I hope you're enjoying this MSTing so far! As with my  
other two part MSTings, There's lots more to come in the second part  
so don't skip it or you'll only be missing out on some great riffs. ;)


	2. Chapter 2

*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS*  
(And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain)

 

(The future isn't what it used to be...)

 

"MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7" (SEASON THREE)

EPISODE 26: 9-BALL DREAMS PT. 2

(A Sailor Moon Lemon Crossover MSTing)

MSTed From the Desk of Megane 6.7

This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.  
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment  
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or  
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.

Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, scenes  
from movies, etc. are the property of their respected  
creators/distributors/etc. Just covering my own ass here folks...

"Sailor Moon" is the property of Naoko Takeuchi and all the  
distributors of her work.

"9-Ball Dreams" is the property of Mr_Jazz and he's welcome to it. I  
do not intend to offend him for making fun of his work like this but I  
figure it's only a matter of time before someone does. Think of this as  
another form of C&C. It's all meant in good fun. ;)

Warning: This fic contains mature content and sexual content. If you are  
offended by such material or are too young to legally view it, please avoid  
it or delete it from your hard drive if you've already downloaded it.  
Otherwise, enjoy! 

 

* * *

(Door 6: It slides open on both sides..)

(Door 5: It's made of beads. They explode out towards you, and you  
move on..)

(Door 4: It falls toward you, missing your foot by inches.)

(Door 3: It's a castle gate, that rises into the ceiling..) 

(Door 2. It's solid black marble. An Akahn floats from behind you and  
touches the door. The door vanishes.)

(Door 1: It splits in four ways, twice.)

(Door .7: A beam of golden light erupts from the floor. You walk into it.)

Joel emerged from the light into the theater with Tom in his  
arms, Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind.  
Stepping over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the theater  
on his own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater seats and sat  
next to him, Crow sitting on his right.

 

>* * * *

Joel: (singing) There's a starman waiting in the sky... He'd like to come  
and meet us...

Crow: Who? Jeff Bridges?

 

>Ami cried out in lusty pleasure as Vincent probed her womanhood with  
>his highly skilled tongue. 

Joel: So it's a tongue of all trades then?

Tom: But enough about the impending doom of Serena and Mina, let's  
get back to the sex!

Crow: Woo hoo!

 

>She let her head snap back and groaned as she felt herself coming close  
>to orgasm.

Crow: All she needs now is the cigar.

 

>"It's funny," Ami said between lusty gasps of air, "that I came here for  
>a pool lesson, and now I'm being fucked on a pool table. 

Tom: Yeah, who would've figured something like that happening in a  
lemon, huh?

 

>Aren't we lucky we're the only one's in here."

Crow: [Vincent] Not really, I like to be watched when I do it.

Joel: [Ami] Oh... well, we kinda are in a sense... 

 

>"You are getting a pool lesson. 

Crow: [Vincent] It's customary before a game to have passionate sex  
with your opponent. Heck, any pool player will tell you that!

 

>You playing a game that involves pushing balls into a hole using a long  
>hard straight thing," Vince replied, then went back to sucking and licking  
>Ami's pussy.

Joel: [Ami] Oh, *I* get it! It's like a game of pool! Take THAT, mister!

Crow: [Vincent, in severe pain] Aaaaaaaaaaaaaoooooow! Whdt th...

Joel: [Ami] Everyone knows, a game of pool starts with a BREAK!

 

>"Well," Ami said, "it's a good thing I snapped the cueball off of the  
>table like I did. If I didn't, then we might of had to wait a whole ten  
>minutes before we started fucking.

All: (stare at the screen)

Joel: What the hell is she talking about?

Tom: No idea.

Crow: (shrugs)

 

>I don't know why we're doing this, we really don't know each other at all."  
>  
>"Who cares," Vince replied as he positioned himself above Ami's exposed  
>pussy, "it makes it all the more fun."

Crow: [Vincent] Babe, it's a lemon. Just relax and enjoy the ride.

Joel: [Ami] Hey, just because it's a lemon, doesn't mean I have to break  
character! And what the heck is so DANG fascinating about pool, anyway!

 

>With that, he plunged himself inside her, and both cried out in pleasure  
>as Ami's vaginal muscles contracted around Vince's 11 inch penis. 

Crow: Yeah, and mine's a foot and a half.

Tom: Geez, is it really THAT hard for some lemon writers to give their  
male characters a NORMAL penis size? I mean, I would think most  
women would be FRIGHTENED of the damage an 11 incher could do...

Joel: Exaggerated genitalia was here long before us and it'll be here long  
after we're gone... just a fact of life, guys...

 

>Ami was in heaven, and began to grunt as Vincent began sliding in an  
>out of her ever so slowly, and then began to quicken his pace.

Crow: [Ami] Oops, hold on a second! I think I'm bleeding internally...  
nope, I was wrong. Resume sliding!

Tom: Gee, I didn't know Vincent was a... (whispers) SLIDER...

 

>"You know," Vince grunted as he thrust himself in and out of Ami, who  
>was barley able to listen to him, 

Joel: That must be one loud phallus.

 

>"this is going to make us actually doing any billiards practice very  
>difficult. Any ideas?"

Crow: [Ami] WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU! TURN DOWN YOUR  
PENIS!

Tom: [Vince] And while I'm thinking of it, did I leave the garage door  
open before I left for work this morning?

 

>Ami couldn't answer him, as she felt herself climax and cum as Vincent  
>exploded his load of semen inside of her. 

Tom: ...as she glanced at her wristwatch and noticed she was late  
for her date with Greg.

 

>She felt her cum dribble down her legs, and onto the table.

Crow: [Vince] You soiled it. You've bought it.

 

>Then she collapsed, and Vincent came crashing down beside her.

Joel: Wait a minute, wasn't it *Vince* a few seconds ago?

 

>"I guess the slate was strong enough," Vince laughed, tired but happy.

Tom: Huh? Now it's Vince again! What the sam hill is going ON, here!?

Joel: Say, you don't supposed Tom Cruise used a...

(Joel and the bots look at each other)

All: ...STUNT DOUBLE!?

 

>"I still wish I knew why nobody else has come in here, as just yesterday,  
>this place was packed," Ami replied as she began to gather herself  
>together.

Crow: [Ami] Could you hand me my entrails please?

Joel: [Vince] Cripes, Ami, will you KNOCK it off with the intelligent  
and logical questions already! You're gonna blow the whole deal!

 

>"Ami, look around, I'm sure you'll figure it out," Vince said, motioning  
>to the front of the hall.

Tom: [Ami] Oh my god! T-There's a dead horse in front of the entrance! 

Joel: [Vince] Yep, when it comes to ensuring privacy, nothing beats a  
dead horse!

 

>Ami studied it carefully, and noticed that the thick wooden shutters had  
>been pulled closed over all of the front windows. Then she noticed the  
>sign. 

Crow: [sign] 'Having sex with Ami. Back in one hour'.

 

>The side facing her said "Yes, we are open!" which means the other  
>side said "Closed".

Joel: Of course, that didn't stop the pool-crazed Japanese from forming  
a long line outside the hall, wondering what all the strange noises coming  
from inside were about... 

 

>"Well fuck me," Ami said.

Tom: [Ami] It's a puzzle. Work on it.

 

>"Can't," Vince replied, as he zipped up his pants, "I'm way too tired and  
>out of cum. 

Joel: [Ami] Well, okay then, let's just talk and cuddle!

Crow: [Vince] Aheheheh... yeah, right. 

 

>Besides, I have to open in an hour or Eddie will wonder why the hell he  
>hasn't made any money; and the felt on this table needs replacing. That  
>will take me an hour anyway."

Tom: [Ami, whiny] Awwwww... but I want more sex!

Crow: [Vince] No! There's no time!

Tom: [Ami] Come on... how about a five minute quickie? I promise  
it'll be over before you know it!

Crow: [Vince] Look, just take a cold shower or something, okay?!?

 

>Ami looked at the cloth. I was drenched in cum, both her's and Vincent's,  
>blood, and sweat. 

Joel: Funny, I don't remember seeing the narrator anywhere in the lemon  
scene...

 

>"Can I help at all?" Ami asked as she disassembled her cue, which she  
>luckily put down on the table next to the one she and Vincent had sex on.

Crow: [Ami] Wait a minute... why is this cue all sticky and... oh my  
GOD! No WONDER you seemed to have such a long...

Joel: (places his hands over Crow's beak) Hokay, that's enough out of you. 

 

>No," Vince said, "I don't think you can. Come back tomorrow and we'll  
>actually get some work done, OK?"

Tom: [Vince] You've done quite enough damage for one day, Ami.

Joel: [Ami] Hey, I was willing to do it on the floor. It was YOUR bright  
idea to use the table, Ethan.

 

>"Alright," Ami sighed as she picked up her cue case and turned to leave.  
>  
>"Oh, and Ami," Vince smiled as got a tool kit out from under the front  
>counter.  
>  
>"Yes?"

Crow: [Jim Carrey] I've had better.

Joel: [Vince] Here, kid! (mimes throwing a jacket)

Tom: [Ami] Wow! Thanks, Mister!

 

>"I really loved what just happened. I hope we didn't spoil a friendship."

Joel: [Ami] How can we spoil something we never had in the first place?

Crow: [Vince] Oh yeah. I forgot.

 

>"Me too, Vince. See you later."

Tom: [Vincent] Bye, Ami! 

Crow: [Ami] Get bent.

 

>With that, Ami walked out of Phelson's Billiards and towards the parking  
>lot to drive home to her apartment.

Joel: [Ami] Oh, look at the time! I'm going to miss Iron Chef if I  
don't hurry! 

 

>* * * *

Crow: Login?

Tom: Servo1

Crow: Password?

Tom: * * * *

Crow: Your password is invalid. Please try again.

Tom: * * * *

Crow: Okay, your password is valid, we just don't like you.

 

>Serena moaned as she felt Mina penetrate her aching pussy with her  
>highly skilled and practiced tongue. 

Joel: We now return you to the other inexplicable lemon scene, already in  
progress...

 

>As Mina began to lick and gently bite Serena's love button, Serena  
>screamed in sheer ecstasy.

Tom: Hey, it may be gratuitous, but at least it's enjoyable.

 

>"Oh Mina, I love you so much, ooh, do it more, and harder, please!"  
>pleaded Serena as she began to force her shaved pussy into Mina's face.

Joel: [Mina] Get your Mr. Bigglesworth out of my face, Serena!

 

>Both girls had started kissing in the elevator and as soon as the door to  
>their apartment shut, they were out of their clothes and making "sweet  
>love."  
>  
>Serena had made Mina cum twice now, using everything from a dildo to  
>electrical kitchen utensils, to a shampoo bottle. 

Crow: [Mina] Ohhhhhh... it's t-tingling... and, oh w-wow, is it ever  
w-working...

Joel: If that's "sweet love", I shudder to think what happens when they  
get "nasty"...

 

>Now it was Serena's turn to be pleasured, and being pleasured she was. 

Joel: [Serena] I wish to be pleasured.

Tom: [Mina] Then pleasured you shall be.

 

>Mina had been aware of her sexual skills since she was 14, and now at  
>18, she had perfected them to the point where one hour of sex with her  
>was worth a lot of money, and I mean, A LOT OF MONEY!!!

Tom: [Narrator] SO DON'T LET THIS AMAZING, ONCE IN A  
LIFETIME, SEXUAL OPPORTUNITY PASS YOU BY! CASH IN  
YOUR LIFE SAVINGS AND BED THIS GIRL BEFORE IT'S TOO  
LATE!!! DO IT NOW!!! YOU'LL BE GLAD YOU DID!!!

Crow: So Serena's paying Mina for sex then? What's the point of telling  
us this?

 

>Serena reached climax, and went into a violent spasm as she cummed  
>all over Mina's beautiful young face. When Serena was finished, and  
>Mina was finished drinking it,

Joel: ...she searched for a clean napkin and delicately dabbed both corners  
of her mouth.

Tom: [Serena] Smashing performance, my lady! Absolutely smashing!

 

>they both collapsed in a sweaty, cummy, naked heap. Serena then  
>embraced Mina and began to lick her face clean.

Crow: [Mina] No need to do that, Serena. That's what I keep Artemis  
around for...

Joel: Ick.

 

>"I love you Serena," Mina whispered as she closed her eyes and let the  
>romanticism of being with her love set in.  
>  
>"I know," Serena replied

Crow: [Mina] I know? What are you, Han Solo now!?

 

>as she wrapped her arms around Mina and they fell asleep on the floor.

Joel: The floor again? Don't these girls ever make love in a bed?

Tom: Must be shag carpeting.

 

>* * * *

Joel: Four Star Stories... the new manga series by Mamoru Nagano.  
Now available in a comic book store near YOU.

Tom: Well, even though that lemon scene was really pointless, plotwise,  
it could have been a lot worse...

Crow: The fic ain't over yet, Tommy.

 

>Lita was cooking dinner for her and Ken when the phone rang, causing  
>her to startle and drop a knife on the floor. 

Joel: [Lita] That really scare me!

Crow: Oh NO... not Ken AGAIN...?!

Tom: Ken? Who the hell's Ken?

Crow: (sighs) He's this one-shot character from an episode of Sailor  
Moon R that for some reason keeps popping up from out of nowhere in  
various Sailor Moon fanfiction and is usually involved in some sort of  
relationship with Lita. His characterization tends to change with every  
person that writes him.

Tom: (stares at Crow) You're kidding me, right?

Crow: Nope. It's best to just go along with it, trust me.

 

>It was Ami on the other end.  
>  
>"Hi Lita," Ami chimed, "guess what happened."  
>  
>"You and Vince are going out tomorrow night?" Lita replied  
>excitedly.  
>  
>"No," Ami said with a tone of teasing in her voice, "we had sex."

Joel: [Lita] Really? What about Vincent?

Tom: [Ami] That loser? Ha! I wouldn't give him the time of day!

 

>Lita was in shock, she had to force herself to stop trembling and then  
>she had to sit down. Then when Ami repeatedly yelled "Hello, hello?"  
>into the phone, she forced herself to speak.  
>  
>"Are you nuts?" Lita asked as she got a glass of water.  
>  
>"In what way?" Ami replied.

Tom: [Lita] Are you cashews, walnuts or pistachios? WHAT DO YOU  
THINK I MEAN?!?

 

>"Well, you don't even know him, he could have AIDS for all you know, 

Joel: [Lita] And what if he got you pregnant? Aren't you worried he  
might distract you from your mission as a sailor senshi? Doesn't the fact  
that he so easily ignored your age difference bother you?

Crow: [Ami] Hey, what's with all the sensible questions all of a sudden?

Joel: [Lita] Hey, I figure I might as well get them all out now before I'm  
forced to play dumb again...

 

>and where did you do it, in his car?"  
>  
>"On a pool table."

Tom: [Lita] Wow, Vincent got some balls, huh!

 

>Lita giggled slightly, as it seemed sort of funny that Ami was having a  
>pool lesson one minute, and then getting shagged the next, on a pool  
>table!!! 

Crow: [Lita] I mean, wow, like, what are the odds, man?!?

Tom: I see what you meant about Lita playing dumb, Joel.

 

>That's when Ken walked in.

All: (loudly hum the Dick Van Dyke Show theme)

Joel: Hey Barbi... I mean, Lita! I'm home!

 

>"Hey Lita, you seen a long hard black case lying around anywhere?"  
>  
>"I saw one in my room the other day, it's at the back of the top shelf in  
>the closet. Why?"  
>  
>"My cue is in there, I thought I'd go check out that new pool hall."  
>  
>It took a couple of seconds for that to sink in, but when it did, Lita  
>was running after him, but to no avail. 

Joel: [Lita] But I just finished making dinner for us, you insensitive CLOD!

 

>Ken was already cruising down the road in his Aston Martin. 

All: (Hum the guitar licks from the theme to James Bond)

 

>Lita ran back into the kitchen and on the phone.

Tom: [Lita] Okay, I'm standing on the phone, mashing the little  
buttons with my toes... what now, Mr. Narrator?

 

>"Ami," Lita yelled as she took off her apron, "Ken is on his  
>way to the pool hall with his cue! I didn't even know he  
>had one. 

Joel: [Lita] Come to think of it, what DO I really know about Ken?

 

>Anyway, I'll be round to pick you up in ten minutes and well go there  
>as well. 

Crow: [Ami] We well?

 

>He'll probably start betting or something. God I hope he's good....

Tom: Hey, betting is easy. WINNING, on the other hand...

 

>* * * *

Joel: (singing) Video killed those radio stars...

 

>Vincent saw a man in his mid twenties walk in like he was god-almighty  
>with a hard cue case. 

Tom: (deep voice) I'M SICK OF BOWLING IN THE SKY! SHOW  
ME TO YOUR SNOOKER TABLE, MORTAL!

 

>"Easy money," Vince thought as he approached the man.

Joel: [Vincent] Hey, I saw him first! No fair!

 

>"Hi there," Vince said as he held out his hand, "welcome to Phelson's  
>billiards. What can I do for you today?"

Crow: [man] I'll have some chicken wings and a beer, please.

 

>Business had picked up dramatically in the hour the billiard  
>hall had been open, and now, the place was packed again. Ken  
>shook Vince's hand, "Names Ken, and I'm looking for some action. 

Tom: [Vince] Oooooh!

Crow: [Ken] Pool playing action!

Tom: [Vince] Oh.

 

>I bought this cue a few years back when I was in Los Angeles, but then  
>I only used it a few times."  
>  
>"What kind of cue is it?"  
>  
>"Balabooshka 9-Ball edition, series two."  
>  
>"Really," Vince smiled, "mine's a Balabooshka series 1.

Crow: [Ken] Series *1*? BWAHAHAHAHA!!!

Tom: [Vincent] Series 1, *Special Limited Edition*, that is. More than  
enough cue to wipe out your little wussy stick... 

Crow: Oh yeah? Well, MY cue has the power to kill YOUR  
cue TEN times over! And it glows when it's pissed!

Tom: [Vince] Oh yeah!? OH YEAH?! Well, my cue is such a  
BADASS, that even THINKING about it can kill you! And it has the  
power to regenerate itself so it can't be destroyed ever! EVER!

 

>Anyway, since their both nine ball cues, what say you and me hook it  
>up over a few games."  
>  
>"Sure," Ken replied as he and Vince moved to the nearest available  
>table.

Crow: [Ken] By the way, I didn't catch your name?

Tom: [Vince] That's because I didn't give it, dumb-ass!

 

>* * * *

Joel: (singing) Don't you be afraid... think of all the friends you've  
made... like any other night... you've got to live it right... You're a  
Superstar! 

 

>Lita drove like a mad woman 

Tom and Joel: (start humming the soundtrack for a 50's safety film)

Crow: [Announcer] Lita wasn't careful. Lita didn't believe in buckling  
her seat belt. Let's watch as Lita's brains are soon splattered all over the  
glass windshield, the leather interior, the hood of the car, and yes, even  
the black asphalt. Looks like Lita's road pizza now. Too bad, Lita.

 

>as she tried to get to the hall before her boyfriend's masculinity and  
>gullibility decided to kick in and he lost some money, as money was  
>something that they could not afford to lose right now. 

Tom: Wait a minute! If they're tight for money then what the hell's  
Ken doing driving around in a Aston Martin?!?

Crow: Maybe he's renting out Jupiter's senshi outfit to hentai shops?

Joel: Ewwww...

 

>When she had picked up Ami, she had noted that Ami was also carrying  
>a cue case.  
>  
>"Present from Vincent," was all Ami said as she got in the car. 

Joel: [Lita] Present? For the sex?

Crow: [Ami] What? Oh no, he bought it for me to help with my pool  
lesson and oh my god, I'm a hooker.

 

>That was a mere 30 seconds ago, yet in that time, Lita in her little Dodge  
>Colt had been screaming through traffic. Learning to drive a stick shift  
>had definitely paid off. 

Tom: Oh, COME ON! Do you really expect us to believe your boyfriend  
owns a expensive British roadster while you're stuck with Al Bundy's  
Dodge?

Crow: Does the IRS know about this?

 

>As they approached the hall, Lita finally began to slow down.  
>  
>"OK Ami," Lita said as she stopped outside the door to the hall, "get  
>in there and stop Ken from losing anymore money, and I'll find a place  
>to park. I'll see you in there in a minute."

Tom: [Ami] What am I supposed to do?

Crow: [Lita] I dunno, think of something!

Tom: [Ami] Well... I could have sex with him on a pool table! Yeah!  
I'm real good at that!

Crow: [Lita] Try it, and I'll shove that elaborate cue where the sun  
don't shine!

 

>Ami just grabbed her cue case and ran in. As Lita drove off to park, she  
>opened the door and ran in. What she saw shocked her. 

Joel: [Ami] Oh my god?!? Vincent, what the hell are you doing to Ken's  
NECK?!?

Crow: [Vincent] Now, look with your vampire eyes, Ken...

 

>There was a crowd around the table where she could see Vince and Ken  
>playing. Eddie Phelson was there as well. 

Joel: It's about time! He's been missing since the opening scene!

 

>But the thing that shocked her was that Ken was beaming and Vincent  
>was looking tired and depressed.

Tom: And why? Because Ken took Vicks NyQuil the night before,  
ensuring that he would have a deep and restful sleep while Vincent  
took the *OTHER* cold medicine...

 

>As Ami approached the table, Ken waved and smiled. Vincent only  
>nodded to her. That's when Ami noticed the thick wad of bills in Ken's  
>pocket.

Joel: [Ami] Say Ken, is that a thick wad of bills in your pocket or are  
you just happy to see me?

Crow: [Ken] Both, actually!

 

>"Hey Ken," Ami said, "how much money have you made?"  
>  
>"Around three thousand dollars," Ken said as she sunk the nine. 

Tom: [Ken] Ami, what the heck are you doing?!? We're in the middle  
of a game here!

Crow: [Ami] Well, finish the silly thing so Vincent and I can *use* the  
table again!

 

>The crowd cheered and Vince threw his money on the table.

Joel: [Vincent] Ha! She interfered with the game! That means I win by  
forfeit! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!

Tom: [Ken] Thank you, Ami. Thank you SO MUCH. 

Crow: [Ami] Ah, go cry to Lita, you little wuss!

 

>"I quit!" Vince yelled as he walked off to his back room looking dejected.  
>Ken only looked shocked, and then smiled. 

Joel: Ken had yet to really grow as an actor.

Tom: Say what you want about the cast, but they've got the shocked look  
down COLD...

 

>He then collected the money and turned to Ami.  
>  
>"Want to play some?" he asked as he racked for 9-ball.

Crow: [Ami] Nah, I've seen enough balls for one day.

Tom: (growls)

 

>"What was that all about?" Ami asked, motioning to Vincent  
>who was storming off into his "little" back room.

Tom: [Vincent] (sob) (sniff) I-I hate you guys! (sob) I'm going to  
go play with my trains! (sniffle) At least they don't JUDGE me like  
YOU do! (sniff) (sob)

 

>Ken smiled again. "Guess he didn't expect me to be so good."  
>  
>"Nor did I," Ami exclaimed, "how did you learn to play so well?"  
>  
>"Well," Ken replied, still radiating from his BIG wins,

Joel: [Ken] Why they gave me radioactive money, I'll never know.

Crow: [Michael Palin] He's beautiful, he's rich, he's got HUGE... wins...

 

>"when I was in LA, I ran into a lady pool player by the name of  
>Michelle Yo, and we did end up sleeping together, don't tell Lita, 

Tom: [Ken] Oops, I think I said too much.

Crow: [Ami] Don't worry about it. The last thing I need is to hear Lita  
bitching about ANOTHER ex-boyfriend...

 

>and she gave me some pool lessons."

Tom: (laughing) Oh, I'll just bet she did!

Joel: [Ami] Join the club.

 

>"Ken," Ami said in an impatient tone, "and..."

Tom: [Ken] And... what?

Crow: [Ami] And what the heck does this flashback, not to mention  
this entire flipping story, have ANYTHING to do with SAILOR MOON?!?

Tom: [Ken] D'uh... I dunno!

 

>"OK, fine, I won a couple of 9-ball tournaments. Big bloody deal!"  
>  
>"I'll be back here in a few minutes," Ami said, then she noticed Lita  
>storm into the hall, and added "explain your wins to Lita, she was  
>expecting you to lose money."

Tom: [Ami] And hey, best of luck, Casanova! 

 

>Ami then took off for Vincent's "office".

Joel: Where Vincent was hard at work building his "la-ser" to take  
over the world...

 

>* * * *  
>  
>Eddie Phelson was the greatest hustler in the world. He was also  
>Vincent's mentor, and now, was in disgrace. 

Crow: Shouldn't have waved his banner all over the place.

 

>He was ready to explode at Vincent for being so stupid as to think  
>that every single player he bets with doesn't have talent.  
>  
>"What the hell were you thinking Vince?" Eddie spat half menacingly  
>to Vince, who was slouching in a chair pouring a glass of scotch.

Crow: MAVERICK!!!

Joel: [Vince] Ah, sweet booze. You love me, don't you? I love you.

 

>"I don't know?"  
>  
>"What the hell do you mean you don't know. 

Tom: [Eddie] Dammit, I want answers!

Crow: [Vince] You want answers?

Tom: [Eddie] I WANT THE TRUTH!!!

Crow: [Vince] YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!

 

>I'll tell you what you don't know. You have no idea when to quit do you.  
>When too much is too much. Even when your hustling and winning,  
>you don't know how far is too far.

Tom: [Vince] Oh, just fire me already, you mean old bastard! Wait,  
was that too far?

 

>Remember when I made my comeback. You even rigged our match for  
>money. I taught you too well. Some things are just not supposed to  
>be fucked with, and you do. 

Crow: [Vince] I do what? What ARE you jabbering on about?

Joel: [Eddie] Beats the hell out of me. I'm just reading the script.

 

>Hell, I have Minnesota Fats coming in here in a week for a straight  
>pool game against you, and now your fucked in the head.  
>Excel-fucking-lent."

Tom: [Eddie] Behold the power of my in-cre-di-ble ACT-ING!

Joel: I am totally lost at this point.

Crow: I think Mr_Jazz is trying to copy a scene from 'Color of Money',  
*TRYING* being the key word here.

 

>Eddie then turned and stormed out of the office, and nodded curtly to  
>Ami as she walked in. Vince only saw her and moved his eyes else  
>where. Ami was upset.  
>  
>"You want to talk?" she asked.  
>  
>"No."  
>  
>"Is it true, what Eddie said, are you really a hustler?"  
>  
>"Yes."  
>  
>"So you only play pool for money, not for the sport, or the people, just  
>the money."

Tom: [Vince] Actually, after meeting you, I've added poontang to the list.

 

>"Isn't everyone in something just for the money!" Vince yelled, "I mean,  
>when you break it down to it's lowest level, isn't everything about the  
>money?"

Joel: [Vince] Show me the money, Ami! Show me the money!

 

>"No, and that's why Ken wiped the floor with you. 

Crow: [Vince] Really? He told me he was looking for part-time work.

 

>He was there to have good time, and you were there to try to make  
>some money off of him. 

Joel: [Ami] And any amount of fun will triumph over skill every time!

Tom: [Vince] You don't get out much, do you, Ami?

 

>One thing about the Japanese that is different from Americans is that  
>money isn't always the first thing on our minds. I'm learning this game  
>because you said I have talent, and because you offered to teach me.  
>Not to make money, or to be a hustler, or to make love with you."

Joel: [Vince] Um, so why did you then?

Crow: [Ami] What? I'm not allowed to have sexual fantasies of my  
own? You *ARE* Tom Frigging Cruise, after all!

 

>"Then get out."  
>  
>"You don't mean that Vincent."  
>  
>"You're right, I don't. 

Joel: I mean a totally different Vincent!

 

>I love you, and right now you're treading on thin ice, and I don't want  
>to hurt you, so please, get out."

Tom: (exasperated) Make up your mind, willya!

Joel: [Ami, singing] Should I stay or should I go...

 

>Ami left.

Crow: Going... going... gone!

 

>* * * *

Tom: Star Ocean: The Lemon Story.

Joel: With no less that 300 endings! Warning: You must be 18 years  
or older to view endings 175 to 211...

Crow: I shudder to think of the 'Private Actions' THAT game's gonna  
have...

 

>When Ami came out of Vincent's office, she noticed that another crowd  
>had gathered around Ken's table. 

Crow: [Author] Oh, my aching crowd scenes...

Tom: [Ken] Yes! I am in the ZONE! Luck, you are one FINE LOOKING  
WOMAN tonight! Woo hoo!!!

 

>As she approached, she noticed Ken spilling a few hundred dollar bills  
>on the table. The man that was picking them up was Eddie Phelson.  
>  
>"You want to go again son?" he asked as he folded the money and put  
>it in one of his pockets.  
>  
>"Sure thing, I guess it's your break," Ken replied.  
>  
>"I guess it is," Eddie replied as he positioned the cue ball on the "line"  
>at a slight angle to the face of the 1 ball. Then he set his bridge, which  
>was open hand like Ami's, and thrust the cue forward. The cue-ball  
>thundered into the diamond like a wild tornado through Texas. 

Crow: Can you say 'melodramatic?' 

Joel: Melodramatic.

Crow: I knew you could.

 

>He sunk the 1,3,4,5,7 and 8. The audience applauded. 

All: [audience, non-chalant] Yay...

 

>Lita, who had come into the hall while Ami was with Vincent, was  
>looking depressed. 

Tom: [Lita] Freddy... Kuro/Kogi... Ken... why do you forsake me so?

 

>The 2 ball was positioned beside the 9-ball on the right side pocket.  
>Eddie easily potted it, and collected his money.  
>  
>"I guess I'm real lucky tonight," Eddie lied as he took another 300  
>dollars from Ken.

Crow: [Eddie] Of course, the fact that I OWN this pool hall has  
absolutely no bearing on my lucky streak whatsoever!

 

>"Ken," Lita chimed in, "let's leave now while you're still ahead. Two  
>thousand, four hundred will come in real handy won't it."  
>  
>Ken looked perplexed for a moment, then reluctantly agreed with Lita.

Tom: [Ken] Yeah, I guess you're right. What are we going to do with all  
this money, anyway?

Joel: [Lita] Well, we could put some towards your hospital bills for one  
thing, you two-timing, SCUM! 

Tom: [Ken] Huh?

Joel: [Lita] Don't play dumb! I *know* all about your little pool table  
bimbo in LA! How could you DO this to ME?!? And after I gave you my  
blood too! Just wait till I get you home, you son of a...!!

Tom: [Ken] Uhhhh, on second thought, the night is still young! Come on,  
let's play some pool!

 

>"Eddie," he said unscrewing his cue, "I'm finished."

Joel: [Lita] IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE, YOU LOUSE!!!

 

>"You going to let your bitch make all of your decisions?"  
>  
>"What did you call her."  
>  
>"You heard me."

Crow: [Stan] Oh my god! He dissed Kenny's girl!

Tom: [Lita] You BASTARD!

 

>"Fine I'll play you."  
>  
>"No you won't," Ami cut in, "I will."

Joel: [Lita] Um, excuse me, but since I'M the one that was insulted,  
shouldn't I get first crack at him?

 

>"Ami," Ken said, "stay out of this."  
>  
>"He's hurting Vince, and I'll make him pay for that."

Joel: [Lita] What are you talking about?!? He called ME a bitch!  
What's Vince got to do with this?

 

>"It's not your fight."  
>  
>"Yes it is."

Joel: [Lita] No, it's MY fight! Will somebody PLEASE pay attention to  
me for pete's sake?!?

 

>Ken surrendered, and motioned Ami to the table. While Ken and Ami had  
>their small duel, Eddie Phelson had been busy racking the table for 9-ball.

Crow: And what exactly constitutes a small duel?

Tom: [Ken] Tongue wrestling! Best three out of five!

Crow: [Ami] Oooh! You're on!

Joel: [Lita] NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

 

>He looked like a tiger ready to strike and he said "It's your break Ms.  
>Andersen."

Crow: [Ami as Keanu Reeves] MY NAME... IS MERCURY...

 

>Ami put her cue together, and put the case down on the next table.  
>She then chalked it, positioned the cue ball on the table and fired. 

Joel: BANG!

Crow: [Eddie] Whoa! That's a cue and a half!

 

>The nine sank in the bottom left corner, along with an excellent scatter  
>of the other balls.  
>  
>"Rack 'em," she said with a smile. "You're going down Eddie, and I'm  
>taking you down."

Crow: [Gesture Professor] He's going down... down...

 

>"We'll see Ms. Andersen, you fluky bitch. 

Tom: Fluky?

Crow: Yo, FLU-KAY!!! 

Joel: Yo?

Crow: WASSUP?!?

Joel: WASSUP?!?

Tom: I think we could all use a Bud about now.

Crow: True... True.

 

>Let's play some pool."

Joel: Come to think of it, that's pretty much what they've been doing  
the entire fic...

 

>* End of Part One *

Crow: (groaning) Oy vey... my brain hurts.

Tom: That's it? What the heck did that story have to do with Sailor Moon?  
NOTHING happened! No action, no enemies, the girls didn't even  
transform into the senshi ONCE! Anybody could have played Ami's part!

Joel: (stands up) Well, I don't know about you guys, but I've had  
my fill of pool for one day. What's say we get a little fresh air, eh?

Crow: Now that's something we can all agree with!

Tom: Hear Hear!

(Joel picks up Tom and follows Crow out of the theater)

* * *

SATELLITE OF LOVE

"And what the heck happened to Jackie Gleason anyway? Is  
he helping at the Hikawa shrine now?" Crow asked as the theater doors  
closed behind him. 

"Darned if I know... hey look, someone's calling us on the  
Hexfield Viewscreen!" Tom exclaimed as Joel walked over to the counter  
and gave the button a tap. The Hexfield opened to reveal three normal  
sized pool balls hovering in mid air and twisting around slightly as if they  
were suspended by really thin wires.

"The hell?!?" Joel exclaimed. 

The pool ball in the middle hovered forward slightly and spoke.  
"GREETINGS! WE ARE THE POOL BALLS!"

"P-Pool balls?" Joel inquired nervously.

"CALL ME JOE. THAT WILL MAKE IT EASIER FOR BOTH  
OF US," The pool ball replied.

"Um, okay... Joe. Say, you wouldn't happen to know anything  
about a bunch of really big pool balls that tried to kill us earlier, would you?

"YES."

There was a long moment of silence. "Soooo, you DID send  
them to kill us then?" Tom asked.

"NO. POOL BALLS HAVE NO FREE WILL OF THEIR  
OWN. WE CARRY OUT THE WILL OF THE CUE.

"The Q? You mean the Continuum?" Crow asked.

"NO, THE CUE, AS IN C-U-E. THEY ARE OUR MASTERS.  
IT WAS THE CUE THAT SENT US HERE TO SINK YOU. BUT  
SOMEHOW YOU DIVERTED US. WERE YOU ASSISTED BY  
THE BUMPERS?"

"The who?" Joel was thoroughly confused by now.

"THE BUMPERS. THEY ARE OUR MORTAL ENEMIES.  
THEY DIVERT US FROM THE DIVINE PATH THE CUE WISH  
US TO TRAVEL. DID THEY ASSIST YOU?

"No, we did it ourselves! We used Gypsy as an elaborate  
cue to..." 

"WAIT A MINUTE! YOU HAVE A CUE AMONG YOU?"  
Joe interrupted, startled.

"Well, as a matter of fact, we do! Hey, Gypsy! Would you mind  
coming up to the bridge for a minute?" 

A few moments later, Gypsy appeared on the bridge. "What's  
up, Joel?" she asked.

Joel gestured at the Hexfield. "Gypsy, meet... uh... Joe Pool.  
Joe Pool, this is Gypsy, our elaborate cue," Joel said as he introduced  
the two. 

"THAT IS NOT ONE OF THE CUE! SHE'S NOT NEARLY  
ELABORATE ENOUGH!" Joe said accusingly. 

"As a matter of fact, I *was* used as a cue and if you little balls  
had anything to do with it, then I've got a few bones to pick with you!"  
Gypsy replied angrily.

"PROVE IT!" Joe replied.

"Oh no, you don't! I'm not breaking my skull again for  
anybody!" Gypsy retorted as she came closer to the Hexfield.

"WE REQUIRE A DEMONSTRATION IF WE ARE TO  
BELIEVE YOU ARE TRULY A CUE!" Joe insisted.

"You want proof, I'll show you proof!" Gypsy exclaimed as her  
jaw swung wide open and engulfed all three pool balls in her mouth. The  
Hexfield Viewscreen closed as Gypsy pulled her body outside of the  
satellite again and, looking both ways to make sure there was no incoming  
traffic, she spat out all three balls, one at a time, in different directions. 

"HEY, SHE IS A CUEEEEEEE..." Joe's voice echoed as he  
and his buddies were soon out of sight. Gypsy brought herself back into  
the satellite as Joel and the bots cheered for her.

"Wow! You rock, Gyps!" Crow exclaimed.

"Who knew you could kick so much butt without any feet!"  
Tom marveled.

"That's two we owe you, Gypsy! Thanks a lot!" Joel smiled.

"Hey, I'm glad I could help!" Gypsy replied happily. "Well,  
I've got to get back down to the Master Computer Control Center and  
finish debugging. I'll see you guys at dinner! Bye!" she said before  
disappearing down the corridor. Joel watched her go while Crow  
quipped. "Whew, been a heck of a day, hasn't it?"

"Hmm, I wonder what Dr. Forrester's been up to all this  
time...?" Joel remarked as he pushed the red button to contact them.

* * *

DEEP 13

Dr. Forrester tapped his champagne glass lightly with his fork,  
drawing the attention of the other guests at the dinner table. He then rose  
from his chair, glass in hand and waited for the noise to completely die  
down before speaking.

"Gentlemen, I'd like to propose a toast! To anarchy... chaos...  
villainy most foul... and most importantly, to evil, for without it, none of  
us would be here today to reap the sweet rewards of the immoral things  
we do. Cheers!"

"Cheers," the people at the table echoed quietly as they clinked  
glasses and drank a little too deeply. A moment later, the sound of a  
toilet flushing was heard as Frank emerged from the bathroom with a  
look of exquisite relief on his face. "Whew! Oh my! Guess I should've  
made blueberry muffins instead of the bran, eh, doctors?" Frank joked  
as he resumed his seat while Dr. Forrester smiled politely, resisting the  
urge to leap across the table and throttle him senseless for the faux pas  
as Torgo wobbled his way over to the table. 

"WouLD ANyonE LiKe mE To FreSHeN tHEIr dRInkS?"

Everyone immediately offered their glasses to him. 

Torgo nodded and struggled to lift the gallon jug of Chateau  
Quiki Rouge from the floor and onto the table but its weight proved too  
much for his shaky legs as he fell backwards to the floor.

"Whoops, let me help you out there..." Frank exclaimed as he  
jumped to his feet and rushed over to the fallen Torgo, taking the entire  
tablecloth and everything on it with him as he had forgotten to untuck it  
from his belt. Then, in his haste to get over to Torgo, Frank slipped on  
the spilled wine and fell head over heels to the floor, causing the food  
that had not already been yanked off the table to take flight and splash  
all over the guests. 

There was a long silence as the tablecloth soon caught fire from  
the combination of fallen candlesticks and spilt wine. Dr. Forrester placed  
his head in his hands, knowing it was only a matter of moments before  
the sprinkler system would kick in and Evilos would kick him out. 

"Boy, I could really go for a movie right now..." Dr. Forrester  
mumbled sarcastically as the sprinklers activated right on cue...

 

...AND THE MSTINGS  
CONTINUE...

 

We hope you enjoyed this and comments are very welcome.  
(megane67@rogers.com) (zoogz@yahoo.com)

Follow us on Twitter at (@MSTerMegane67) (@ZoogzMST)

Read our Blog at http://mstings.blogspot.ca/

You can also find our Let's Plays of AGS Adventure Games 'The Medical  
Theories of Dr. Kur', 'Witch Night' and coming soon, our Let's Play of 'Les Manley:  
Search for the King', along with a few other videos at:

https://www.youtube.com/user/MSTerMegane67 

I've been MSTing for almost twenty years now and I want to thank  
each and every person who's send me words of support and  
encouragement and who have helped me throughout the years. I  
treasure every piece of fan mail I receive and I consider it a great  
honor that some people have dedicated their MSTings to me and  
tell me that I helped encourage them to start MSTing. To all of you,  
thank you from the bottom of my heart and I hope I can continue to  
inspire and make you laugh for a long time to come. :)

\- Zoogz's 'Mystery Science Cinema 3001' series can be found at  
http://www.nabiki.com/mst/zoogz/mst/  
including his latest MSTings:

\- 'Help Wanted' (Sailor Moon / Ranma 1/2)  
And  
\- '[None Yet Suggestions Welcome in Reviews!]' (Sailor Moon)

Other recent MSTings we've done:  
\- '12 Months and a Year' (Street Fighter)  
\- 'A Date with Fate' (Sailor Moon Lemon)  
\- 'Two Worlds: Discovering Good Hearts' (Ranma 1/2)  
\- 'Wife or Kid' w/short 'Lunch Time' (Urusei Yatsura/WWF)  
(Sailor Moon)  
\- 'The Adventures of Captain Yaten' (Sailor Moon)  
\- 'Finding Your Place' (Rurouni Kenshin)  
\- 'Loki Unties The Wolf' (Utena)  
\- 'The Life I Left Behind' (Multi Crossover)  
\- 'Eye of the Tiger' (Neon Genesis Evangelion / Xenogears)  
\- 'Wild Senshi' Pt. 1-2 (Sailor Moon / Ranma 1/2 / Yu-Gi-Oh Lemon)  
\- 'My Kid's An Alien!" Pt. 1-3 (Urusei Yatsura)  
\- 'The Light of My Hopes" Pt. 1-4 (Multi Crossover)

 

Finally I'd like to once again thank Mr_Jazz for writing '9-Ball  
Dreams' and giving me his blessing to MST it as well as a lot  
of material to work with. I hope you're not offended. It's  
all meant in good fun. :)

 

***All of Zoogz and my MSTings and the MSTings we've  
contributed to can be found in the various categories at:***

'A MSTing for All Seasons'  
http://www.nabiki.com/mst

'The MSTing Mine'  
http://www.keithpalmer.ca/msting-mine/

'Everything What Is Crap!'  
http://svamcentral.org/ewic/

 

">"It's funny," Ami said between lusty gasps of air, "that I came here for  
>a pool lesson, and now I'm being fucked on a pool table."

 

Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations  
are trademarks of and (c) 2000, 2017 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights  
reserved.

Keep Circulating the Fanfics...


End file.
